{"id":350,"date":"2026-07-06T10:38:56","date_gmt":"2026-07-06T10:38:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/homemovechronicle.com\/?p=350"},"modified":"2026-07-06T10:38:56","modified_gmt":"2026-07-06T10:38:56","slug":"we-need-more-good-men","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/homemovechronicle.com\/?p=350","title":{"rendered":"We Need More Good Men"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The summer I turned 39, my husband and I moved from Brooklyn to a darling little village in upstate New York. Our parents were thrilled, their unspoken hope that leaving the big city might be a sign that we were settling down\u2014that as my fertility began to sunset, we\u2019d turn one of our house\u2019s three bedrooms into a nursery. And we were having that conversation, too. We owned a home with ample space and an affordable mortgage. I worked for myself and had maximal flexibility. He had good health insurance and a great if demanding job. Did we want to have a baby?<\/p>\n

Read more Is 250 Years Even That Old for a Country?<\/a><\/p>\n

As late summer melted into a vibrant fall and then into the cold of upstate winter, I knew my answer: No.<\/p>\n

My husband worked in the city three days a week; I worked from home. I pictured my haggard self, pacing our living room begging a wailing infant to please calm down, alone in our big house, trying to figure out how to shovel the snow out of the driveway before packing the baby into the car and driving 20 minutes to the grocery store on icy country roads. In this picture I am despondent, resentful, rageful. And the image was informed by the fact that I saw, in real time, the fellow transplant friends we invited to dinner scrambling to find a babysitter in our small town and inevitably coming up empty. I listened to their appreciation for our little community but I witnessed their frustration at the lack of childcare, the lack of diversity, the lack of ease that had characterized their lives back in the city.<\/p>\n

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I also saw a life, a career, and a marriage I treasured, and imagined all of the ways in which having a child would compromise what I had spent decades building. I didn\u2019t have a deep desire for a child, just a generalized sense that I should consider it before it became impossible. But the sacrifices it would take to make parenting possible simply didn\u2019t feel worth it. A child would surely be wonderful in many ways. But I also looked in at myself as a mother through the leaded-glass pane of our very lovely living-room windows, and I saw a washed-out woman worn down to the thinnest thread.<\/p>\n

And then we moved again. A job change took us to Hong Kong, where rents are high but childcare is high-quality and reasonable. Our parent friends there traveled often. They held interesting full-time jobs. Dinners were not canceled for lack of babysitters. I pictured myself as a mother, this time through the square frame of my little box of an apartment stacked among thousands of others in Hong Kong\u2019s endless high-rises: a partner who was an equal participant at home and now had reasonable work hours and a very short commute; a doctor\u2019s office within walking distance; a two-minute stroll to the grocery store; parks and promenades; nannies and preschools; excellent healthcare that wouldn\u2019t bankrupt us (delivering a baby in Hong Kong\u2019s best public hospital will cost you roughly $50; you can pay the bill with your metro card). The question of whether or not to try to have a child shifted away from logistics and toward desire.<\/p>\n

As Republicans and Democrats alike grapple with declining birth rates and the economic impacts of an aging population, the consensus seems to be that people should have more babies. The right has generally coalesced around a strategy of blaming, shaming, and bullying: blaming (white) women for not marrying or reproducing; shaming women whose lives don\u2019t follow a traditional path; bullying young women into traditionalism with threats that they will wind up, per Vice President J.D. Vance, as childless cat ladies whose lives lack purpose and have no investment in the nation or its future. Democrats have done better in terms of talking about paid parental leave and universal healthcare, but at the end of the day, they\u2019ve barely budged the policy needle. The policy laundry list pushed by Democrats and progressives is no doubt the right way forward. But leaders on both sides of the political aisle need to start thinking about these issues differently.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do we increase birth rates?\u201d is a question that can come with a lot of ugly answers, as well as many unintended consequences (banning abortion, it turns out, has coincided not just with an increase in the abortion rate, but has caused a number of fertility-ending complications for women who were trying to have children). But those of us who support abortion rights also tend to support true reproductive choice, and need to grapple with the reality that many people are not able to choose to have the families they desire. Nearly 40 percent of Americans over 50 without children say they wanted them at some point; an additional 24 percent say they weren\u2019t sure. When it comes to fertility, politicians should focus on how they can expand what Americans see as possible.<\/p>\n

First things first: There is no (acceptable) policy intervention that will take American women back to the days of having an average of three, four, five or more children apiece. Declining birth rates are a global phenomenon, occurring in the world\u2019s most generous social welfare states in Scandinavia as well as in the welfare wasteland of the U.S.; in highly religious nations in the Middle East and Latin America as well as in secular societies across western Europe; in African countries crushed by poverty as well as in Asian ones where middle-class wealth has exploded. Conservatives are correct that high levels of religiosity tend to correlate with childbearing, though it tends to be highly religious and insular minority groups in which women marry quite young that are driving the baby booms, a dynamic that plays out in places like Israel and Utah. The conservative lesson from this has been to push young marriage, and by extension young childbearing. The Heritage Foundation, for example, has a plan to pay young people if they marry early and reproduce quickly (they\u2019d get the money by cutting welfare benefits to poor single moms). The shift away from young marriage, though, does not seem to be about needing money to start a marriage, but rather about a culture that now gives women much more autonomy to pursue their own interests and goals.<\/p>\n

Liberals generally do not aim to coerce women into the kind of one-track lives that so many found dissatisfying (and that sparked the second-wave feminist movement in the first place). A good life looks many different ways to the many different people who make up America, and the question of whether or not to have a child is one approached with just as much diversity. But there is still work to be done to understand what makes the choice to have a child, or another child, feel possible.<\/p>\n

Plenty of people know for sure that they want children, and from what I have anecdotally observed, people in this group are likely to make significant sacrifices to get there: to relocate to a cheaper place, to marry out of alignment if not overwhelming love, to pursue single parenthood if a partner doesn\u2019t materialize, to cobble together childcare or rearrange work lives or move closer to grandparents. These are not the people who need to be convinced that parenthood is desirable, but this is the group that needs support to achieve their goal. Right now, the barriers of finding a suitable partner, housing costs, healthcare access, childcare availability, and so on may lead to delays in reproduction, which may in turn lead to having fewer children. Beginning childbearing at 35 instead of at 27 leaves fewer years to decide to have additional children if one desires\u2014this drives birth rate declines, too.<\/p>\n

A second group of would-be parents are those I think of as the \u201cyes-ifs.\u201d Yes, I would like to be a parent, but only if I find the right partner. Yes, I would like to be a parent, but only if I can provide a child with a solid middle-class life. Yes, I would like to be a parent, but only if I can continue working in a job I love, or residing in a city where I\u2019ve built my core community, or living in a way that feels full of meaning from many different directions. The \u201cifs\u201d differ. For some would-be parents, saying yes to a baby may require staying put near friends, a job, or parents; for others, it might mean being able to afford to move to a nice town with good schools, or into a single-family home. For some, the \u201cif\u201d might be part-time work, or flexible work, or remote work; for others it might be a higher-paying job. Anecdotally, for straight women at least, one big \u201cif\u201d is finding a partner who they love, who is self-sufficient, and who would make a good father.<\/p>\n

The third group is the truly ambivalent, where I sat. I cannot speak to what might break the ambivalence of every undecided person, but I can say that, for me, I needed to see a critical mass of people around me parenting in a way that looked not just technically doable but actually desirable. In the U.S., I saw many wonderful parents who adored their children and were no doubt happy with their choices\u2014and whose lives, to me, looked universally stressful and often limited, and were simply not how I wanted to live.<\/p>\n

People may also find themselves moving between these categories, and may need different policies and interventions to allow them to say yes to a child. A person who was a \u201cyes\u201d or even ambivalent for a first kid may be a \u201cyes-if\u201d for a second or third\u2014willing to do it, but only if the right circumstances line up. Importantly, many of the solutions that will help one group at one time might also help another group at a different time (for example, some people might be more inclined to have a first child if they could stay in their chosen city, but may find a desire for a larger house in a less urban area arises along with wanting a second child). There is a final group, too: the hard noes, whose assuredness should be respected. Policies shouldn\u2019t be focused on convincing or penalizing the intentionally child-free. Leave these people alone.<\/p>\n

Read more America Was Never a Democracy<\/a><\/p>\n

As I wandered through the reproductive wilderness, I couldn\u2019t separate the question of whether I wanted a child from the reality of the rest of my life\u2014that I would not simply be adding a child to a life that felt intensely satisfying and deeply meaningful, but rather engaging in a kind of impossible math. On one side of the ledger: money, time, adventure, work that delighted me, friendships that sustained me, and a marriage that thrilled me; on the other, a baby, and a universe of emotional experience I understood would be profound and interesting but that I could not fully (or frankly even partially) imagine, let alone quantify on my mental balance sheet.<\/p>\n

The job of politicians who either want Americans to have more children or simply want them to feel like they have the option is to render this calculus immaterial. People will be more likely to become parents if they sense that children will be fun and meaning-making additions to an already full existence, not the beginning of an end to the lives they\u2019ve created. For policymakers, this centers around two themes: money and time. To say yes to a child, or to more children, most people need to believe they can afford it\u2014and those who are on the fence can define \u201cafford\u201d as \u201cafford without sacrificing everything else in my life I care about.\u201d And people need to believe they have the time for children. If a person feels they cannot parent well because their job is too demanding and their workday has no end; because they are already caring for aging parents without support; because the care demands of existing children are simply too high\u2014then a child, or additional children, feels less possible.<\/p>\n

This is why childcare routinely comes up on the list of must-haves for American parents, and for good reason (the affordability of high-quality childcare outside of the U.S. is what made having a child begin to feel possible for me). And the type of childcare matters. Americans have largely heard about the famous French creche system of public daycares, but the French government also subsidizes the kind of one-on-one at-home care that many parents of infants prefer. High-quality local daycares cost-adjusted to income plus the ability to take adequate parental leave (six to nine months seems to be the sweet spot) and then have a nanny for the youngest children is the kind of childcare policy that really could push the yes-ifs over the edge\u2014or allow existing parents to decide that having another baby is doable.<\/p>\n

Then there is work. Since COVID, remote work has become the new normal for many Americans. Work-from-home policies are controversial, and critics rightly point out that, for nonparents, remote work is isolating and can drive declines in mental health But perhaps the creativity we need to have about remote work will also help us start incentivizing (or legally requiring) predictable schedules, flextime, and paid sick leave and vacation.<\/p>\n

Housing is also key to making parenthood seem possible. This means families need the kind of affordable single-family housing in good school districts that characterized the dreams of so many boomer parents, but it also means more affordable two- and three-bedroom apartments in desirable cities so that adults can stay in the communities they chose and love even if they have kids (as someone who spent her 20s in New York City and hates to drive, the thought of being a Car Seat Mom was a surprisingly big barrier to even thinking about having a child). And affordable urban housing can make parenting visible. Humans are social primates, and our perceptions of what\u2019s normal or desirable are shaped by those around us.<\/p>\n

But speaking of visibility\u2014even though so much of the handwringing around fertility rates has been about how women\u2019s lives have changed in the past few decades, there\u2019s a more obvious target. Of all the conditions that make childbearing seem possible, one is the most deceptively simple: increasing the number of men who would make good fathers.<\/p>\n

For better or worse, significant shares of women seem to have internalized what conservative family researchers call \u201cthe success sequence\u201d: a job, then marriage, then kids. Among the over-50 Americans who do not have children, one Pew survey found that the No. 1 reason they gave was that it just didn\u2019t happen. But the No. 2 reason was that they didn\u2019t find the right partner. Most people who have children still have them in the context of marriage, and many others have them in the context of a loving and stable relationship. When there aren\u2019t marriageable or even dateable men around, fewer women marry and have children, a dynamic that has been particularly pronounced in America\u2019s working class. Despite a significant proportion of American births to single mothers, the number of unmarried women giving birth has actually been decreasing for the past decade, with the decline largely driven by teenagers and working-class women. \u00a0Without men they see as marriageable, some working-class women have children alone; a growing number just aren\u2019t having kids at all. (The one group seeing an uptick in unmarried births? Women with college degrees, who are also much likelier to have children later in their reproductive years.)<\/p>\n

The \u201cmissing men of the American marriage market,\u201d as one NPR story recently put it, is driven by the scores of men who lack well-paid work or have fallen into addiction or criminality. Women have long outnumbered men on college campuses and earned a much larger share of degrees, and many of these college-educated women are now marrying non-college-educated men\u2014but they\u2019re marrying the most stable and high-earning among them, leaving non-college-educated women with a pool of men who are less likely to be gainfully employed and stable and more likely to be unemployed, addicted, or otherwise troubled.<\/p>\n

In the meantime, the men who are<\/em> having kids are better dads than ever, spending more time with their children and taking more pleasure in parenting. There are many ways to see this data, but from my vantage point, it suggests that men have indeed become better fathers, and that today\u2019s more-liberal and better-educated women are selecting for more egalitarian, emotionally present partners. This was true for me: I have a husband who, if we were going to do the parenting thing, wanted to do it well. This trend is great for both the women these men marry and the children they raise. But in a country where politics polarize partly along gender lines and scores of young men are turning to reactionary misogyny, women (rightly) refusing to tolerate less than egalitarian and evolved mates does not bode well for more children being born generally.<\/p>\n

Any efforts to fuel fertility need to take this reality into account, and not by telling women to lower their standards. Democrats have long searched for a model of positive masculinity, but birth-rate-obsessed conservatives need it more\u2014just think about the rise of conservative manosphere-pilled men and how that worldview has been welcomed and even celebrated in today\u2019s MAGA-fueled GOP. This is a cultural project as much as a political one. If we want more babies, we need more men women are willing to have babies with. There are policy solutions to this\u2014getting men to higher rates of gainful employment would help. We should expand technical programs and fund paid apprenticeships, raise the federal minimum wage, penalize companies who undercut workers\u2019 wages or rely on underemployment schemes to get out of paying benefits as part of what should be full-time roles, and hold companies accountable when they slash human jobs in favor of automation or A.I. As perhaps counterintuitive as it sounds, restoring abortion rights and contraception access is crucial here, too\u2014majority-male legislatures intruding on women\u2019s reproductive choices is all part of the same swamp of misogynist contempt for women\u2019s autonomy and humanity. Broadcasting to men that they have the right to dictate every woman\u2019s most basic and private choices fosters a culture of dehumanization of women and entitlement among men that is not exactly conducive to the relationships of equals that women seek.<\/p>\n

The truth is that many nations with generous family policies also see low birth rates. But the U.S. is also an extraordinary and unusual nation in many ways, and we remain a nation in which many people say they want to have children and do not actually have them. There is also a particular psychology that comes along with being offered a long-desired benefit. The women of Scandinavia might take paid leave and universal childcare for granted, but a lot of American would be thrilled to see such policies implemented\u2014and with more possibilities open in front of them, may be eager to take advantage. But they\u2019ll want a good man along for the ride.<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more Something Is Going On With Mitch McConnell\u2019s Health, and His Office Is Being Mighty Cagey About It<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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